Dreams

I gave a dreams class this weekend, for a private group. A rather large group, filled with supersmart people. I was so freaked out beforehand, but it went well! And I actually kind of enjoyed it. Thanks to everyone who was there

The Grand Canyon

Less than three weeks until I hike down to the bottom to camp at Phantom Ranch! I have wanted to do this for-freaking-ever. I wish I had one of those big life-lists just for the satisfaction of crossing this one off. (Note to self: make crazy-big life-list.)

The Sailboat Kit

I’m working on a wee time management booklet for self-employed people, which will include the electronic templates for the Sailboat I made. The tentative title is Weekly Time Management for People Who Hate Structure But Love Metaphor. (Or, umm, something like that! By the way, is there anyone out there willing to test out a pre-release version of the MS Word template? Email me. got plenty of testers, thanks guys!)

How to have a Rainbow for Breakfast

Red (okay pink, but still) : papaya
Orange:  mango
Yellow: banana
Green: spinach and a spoonful of spirulina
Blue-Purple: blueberries

…add water and ~bliss~

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I recently gave up coffee.

My morning walks have been re-routed so we don’t need to stop by the coffee shop, and other than some sleepiness and a few brain blips while sitting down to work in the mornings (where’s my coffee? …oh, right I’m not drinking coffee today…) it hasn’t been too stressful.

(Hopefully non-necessary aside: this is so not about judging coffee or coffee drinkers. Seeing as it is entirely possible I will become one again, since this is not a a hard-line-forever type of thing.)

Anyway, it occurred to me this morning that I don’t really miss coffee at all.

Even more than that, I felt as if I never really needed coffee at all, as if my whole love for it had been kind of an illusion.

And then the weirdest thought popped into my head:

I needed to need something.

Hmm.

No idea what that’s about. But I think it might have to do with Stand-Ins (1 & 2).

Indecision 2010

Another Stand-In came up for me this week. I was going round and round in circles planning a trip I’m going to take this summer. I couldn’t decide whether to drive or to fly, or where to stay, or even what dates to go.

This is unusual behavior for me. While I may not do details, I tend to be pretty decisive.

And yes, there were some “real” logistical issues that prompted the confusion. But they weren’t nearly as huge as I was making them out to be.

Finally yesterday I realized (actually it was obvious but I was ignoring it) that there is a lot of emotional conflict wrapped up with this trip I’m going to take. The reason for the trip is pure joy, and yet it will require me to touch some old pain. Deep, hard stuff.

So I wanted to be confused.

I needed to feel conflict. So I wouldn’t gloss over the various feelings involved in taking this trip.

My travel paralysis just provided an entry point to get at that stuff.

Once I realized that, I could turn my attention to gently letting all of my conflicting emotions exist at once. And you know what? This morning I figured out my travel plans with one email exchange. (Well, part of them and the rest I’m not stressed about.)

Still have no idea what’s up with the coffee thing though.

Also, I want a coffee song.

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I didn’t think I was going to write about this, because I kind of hate when people talk about their diets. But my experiments in Raw eating have definitely crossed over into Life Beyond Food, so here goes.

(yes, that’s some kind of electrical meter in the bottom corner, on our kitchen counter next to the produce–hey at least it matches the color scheme!)

Raw Food became this minor brain-obsession of mine for most of December. I knew I was a goner when I ended up ordering like eighty-jillion books about raw foods off of Amazon (my surest sign of infatuation.)

Eating Raw just makes sense to me, in an instinctual way. A way that other diets or food philosophies or what-have-you never have.

Of course, while I buy in spiritually and intellectually, I still didn’t think I could actually do it.

My main problem was that I am an insanely picky eater. I don’t really enjoy slimy things, weird textures, or cold things. (Basically, hi, I like bread and cheese. Preferably together, with a little bit of red sauce.)

I figured I would last about twenty minutes. But instead–to my great surprise–I began a gradual shift toward eating mainly raw foods.

I can’t even believe I’m going to write this but for the past two months I have been eating raw for most of the day, and many days even including dinner.

How is this happening?

First, all hail the green smoothie! Seriously, this is like the most magical food. (Green for Life by Victoria Boutenko is an amazing book about how to use green smoothies as a gateway drug to raw foods.)

Second, I really appreciate the approach Natalia Rose advocates in The Raw Food Detox Diet. Basically, her philosophy is don’t sweat the small stuff, and above all don’t push yourself too far too fast. (Btw while I do recommend the book for the great information, I have issues with some of her language, including multiple references to the concept of a “perfect” body.)

And again with the peace and calmness!

I’m finding it everywhere. The spikes in my mood (and perception of myself and my abilities) are smoothing out. I’m finding ease where there used to be struggle. I’m holding things loosely. It turns out the cliffs of insanity are just cute little stage sets, I can’t believe I ever thought they could be real.

Partly it’s because of my sailboat. But another part of it is because I feel deeply nourished for the first time in years, free from jangly toxins, and that gives me a sense of calmness in my entire body.

So yeah. I’m not making any proclamations or pronouncements. Just recording my experience, here at the beginning. I’ve dipped my toe in, and the water feels nice.

I just might take a swim.

(Also, how pretty is this salad? Fluorescent orange (red pepper) dressing recipe courtesy of Nathalie, the Raw Foods Witch)

Comment Zen: I’d love to hear about your own experiments with finding what works for you, especially if you have experiences with or questions about raw foods. But I really don’t want to debate specific food choices. As we all know, People Vary.

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There I was under a cerulean blue sky in a seaside village in Greece, when…

Eeeep. Wrong sailboat. No, my story is way boringer. (Previous installments 1 & 2.)

So anyway there I was, on my living room couch in Seattle… and I started by making these random, mind-map-type notes. Everything from MASSIVE CREATIVE THINGS I want to accomplish, to carving out meditation time (become more ENLIGHTENED, now!), to remembering to call my long-distance friends before the loop starts in my head about how much I suck and what an awful friend I am (and on and on and and.)

(Actually, avoiding the loop in every sense was pretty much the main purpose of sailboat-building.)

Holding on Loosely

So eventually I had an amorphous List (of Many Types of  Things.) But I didn’t just want to make a straight schedule, do this at this time, then do this. (Been there, didn’t remotely do that.)

Above all I needed a feeling of not being constricted by time unless absolutely necessary.

A day seemed too small an increment, and and a month seemed too long, so I focused on creating an “ideal week.”

What would Eileen’s perfect week have in it?  I mean really? (If I could make a dammit list for how I spend my time.)

A few things came to me right away. A big thing I wanted was a sense of “finishing” my work day, that as I transitioned into making dinner I was done with computer-based tasks for the day. Another thing was not feeling rushed in the mornings, since whenever I plan something super-early I end up resenting the hell out of it. Yet another was not having obligations on the weekends so that I am free to do fun active stuff, or wacky house projects with my husband.

So I took my crazy mind map and started collaging pieces of it onto my “ideal week”. A little here, a little there.

And then questions started to emerge, which started little dialogues, opportunities to check in with myself. Like, “I want to write blog posts regularly” led to hmm, what’s regularly? I don’t think I can write blog posts every day yet, but what about every other day? Yes, I could do that…

And so on. Until the collage became a series of loose containers for the stuff I want to do every week.

The Boat

Sailboat detail

Next came…well, fonts. The sailboat needed to be pretty. I wanted it to be something that I liked spending time in (oh, metaphors. I do love you.)

I used the design process to talk to myself.

Some containers have solid outlines and times attached. They say “okay, you have to meet this person at this time.”

Some containers are more muted, they don’t have rigid outlines. But they’re there for me. They say, “hey, you like writing blog posts, here’s a space for you to do that.”

Some containers have dotted lines because they are wonderfully open pieces of time. They have suggestions for how I might fill them, in case I get stuck. They’ll also hold things for me if I need them to.

Some fade into nothingness. They say “ahhh time to relax and play in the kitchen making dinner, forget the clock, sweetie…”

And some containers, like on the weekend, aren’t even containers at all. They’re gentle fading circles because they wanted to be even more open than rectangles.

How it Works (aka Deguiltification)

Now I just print out my sailboat before the beginning of each week.

The boat has plenty of space for lists. So on a day with a “worky-work” block I can write in the items I need to finish on that day. Or I can list errands I need to remember on a day that has an errand block.

I still use my calendar for scheduling appointments out in the future. And my week is never “ideal”…there’s always stuff scribbled in or crossed out. But the point is I have a place to start. Something to push against, something to rearrange. In a way, the sailboat is like my first draft of a week.

Just as important as what’s included every day is what’s not included.

The loop.

If I have “write a blog post” three days in a week, that’s four days where I don’t have a blog post planned. So I was able to let go of this pervasive, amorphous feeling of oh I should write something.

I planned out one evening when I would catch up on phone calls and do laundry. So when today is not that day? I don’t have this crushing feeling about oh I am an awful friend/daughter/sister because I never call anyone back. (I know I will call them back, for a nice long chat. It’ll just be on Monday while I’m doing my laundry.)

I’m sure I will make adjustments in the future, but right now this is just what I need. I love interacting with it, being in it. Sailing it.

And I know this sounds crazy, but my beautiful little sailboat-week has been a big part of this transcendental, peaceful blissy emptiness I’ve been feeling lately.

(I also think that eating mainly raw foods may have something to do with it too…but that’s a whole other thing I need to untangle before I blog about it.)

* Or choose-your-own-metaphor, of course

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