That bitch in my head

I guess I can’t start a blog about changing habits without talking about her. I have a lot to say about her, but the first thing you need to know about her is that I usually like to pretend she doesn’t exist. That I have complete free will and I can sit down and intellectually-matter-of-fact make decisions about who I want to be and what I want to do, and then set out to accomplish it. That if I only try hard enough, think and plan enough, I can accomplish anything (and sure, this is sort of true, but it’s picking the right stuff to accomplish at the right time where it gets tricky.) That if I have any problems or issues, all they require is a good thinking through, some analysis, some willpower, and bam! I can change them easy-peasy.

The problem is that rational thought only gets me so far. Rational thought doesn’t take into account the seedy underworld of that bitch. She wants what she wants, and she doesn’t care how many roadblocks she needs to put in my path, she will make me pay attention to her if it kills me in the process (as it almost has a few times.)

She has many tools at her disposal. She will throw a temper tantrum in the form of depression, inexplicably destructive actions, addictions, or even physical pain. She also seems to control the world outside, in that she can draw things to us or push them away depending on her desires.

She holds a grudge. She brings up things I thought I had long ago forgotten or forgiven. She has a habit of shoving things in my face and making me deal with them. Insane things, things that happened long ago or that I think are so minor they shouldn’t bother me. She repeats herself a lot. She’s a child, she’s a crazy muttering old lady, there’s no controlling her. Nothing gets past her, and she’s not very good at using her words. Sometimes I can’t understand her.

I fight her a lot. Just had a staggering personal loss, and she wants me to sit around and grieve? Why thanks but no thanks. I’m pursuing a career she doesn’t like? Well, I didn’t ask you. Just broke up with someone, and she wants me to take some time to process before jumping into something else? No thank you…Oh ho, how she laughs at such easy competition. As you can guess, she gets her way every time. The only question is how long does it take for me to surrender, how much effort do I waste fighting her before I will listen to her?

(Oh, but you know I don’t hate her. She’s my strongest ally, and she’s not too upset that I call her a bitch. She understands. I only do it because our clashes always come along at the most inappropriate times. More later about the process of making peace with her.)

If I wanted to take it up a notch and be intellectual about it all, I would call her my Self, with a capital S. As in Jung: “The experience of the Self is always a defeat for the ego.” Our conflicts embody that idea. (Much, much more about that later.)

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