Anyone who stumbles across this blog is likely already reading the Fluent Self. Last week Havi posted something about acknowledging pain that I have been thinking about ever since:
My problem is when I don’t even know the cat is there. I won’t let myself know. So to beat the metaphor to death here: I’m not even shooing at it, I’m running around slamming doors and knocking shit over just to avoid looking at it. To avoid the fact that it even exists. I try to clean, straighten. But nothing ever stays in place because I’m still running around the house. Never knowing why I’m doing what I’m doing. All the while wondering why the hell is my house such a mess?
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{ 9 comments… read them below or add one }
I totally hear you. I think the hardest part about this whole, crazy, self-work process is just realizing that you’re having a moment in the first place. Sure, meditate, acknowledge, self-compassion, blah, blah. But, how am I supposed to do those things when I don’t even know when I need them? *cognitive dissonance*
And I love your description of the meltdown. Metaphors are great. I find that that’s the only way I’ll even listen to myself. If I can make it sound like it’s coming from a third person, then I’ll pay attention. Since I’m the Milk Dud writer Havi talked about in her post, I guess that makes sense. The weirdness of the human psyche…
Twitter: evalazza
December 30, 2008 at 8:51 pm
Exactly! Like sometimes I’m not even aware enough to do that (and I mean for YEARS at a time!)
Thanks for being the first commenter as I sl-oooo-wly open up in small ways about my supersecret blog. That you are the Milk Duds writer makes it just perfect somehow.
My dream has come true. Through some crazy freaking miracle, there are all of a sudden a bunch of blogs I actually feel like reading.
This is brilliant. And this is exactly where I want to be.
With bright, loving, caring, thinking, working-through-this-crap with patience and intention kind of people who are TALKING about all the stuff that I think about all the time.
Beautiful post. I think the practice of learning to remember “Oh crap! It’s that cat again!” is another annoying life learning thing, and it gets easier with time. Or the cat gets louder. Something like that.
Love. This. Blog.
*kiss*
This post totally triggered a mini-epiphany for me (an epiphanette, if you will), which makes this post (a) awesome and (b) a bookmarked favorite.
The running around knocking shit down to avoid noticing the cat (even though I’m obviously noticing the cat on some level, hence my tearing around the house and causing additional chaos…) could be listed in the “Hobbies” section of my online profiles on a lot of days.
I heart Havi for being such a catalyst for courage and insights and epiphanies, and I heart you for blogging your own insights and epiphanies right here were other folks like moi can get inspired by them and then leave a big ol’ excited stream-of-consciousness comment about it.
KUDOS to you. I’m subscribing and look forward to more yummy totally relateable goodness.
Twitter: dancing_geek
December 30, 2008 at 11:31 pm
“I’m running around slamming doors and knocking shit over just to avoid looking at it.”
LMAO! Hehehehehe.
I seem to have developed a stigmatism where my eyes will jerk to look at something else whenever I see a cat – it’s odd, disconcerting and leaves me convinced that cats don’t exist. Either way (putting the much maligned metaphor out of the way) it sucks when I’m not noticing what’s going on – hence trying to practice mindfulness every day (30 day trial going at the moment) to see if any cats crop up for cuddles and something to eat.
*miaow*
Yeah, that turning-to-face-what’s-chasing-you thing. Uh huh.
Funny thing is, how often does the monster under the bed turn out to be dust bunnies in the end? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve run shrieking from stuff that makes me laugh when I finally give up in exhaustion and turn around!
Congratulations on joining the blogoverse!
Wow…thank you for being brave and sharing such a real part of yourself.
“All the while wondering why the hell is my house such a mess?”
I just love that.
Those parts of my life that always seem to stay messy…what cat am *I* avoiding?
Please keep writing…can’t wait to read more!
Twitter: evalazza
December 30, 2008 at 11:34 pm
Wow, it is strange to cross over the line from just talking to myself to where people actually read what I wrote. And wonderful, present kinds of people who actually think about this stuff too! I’m still sitting here typing on my same laptop, but it seems like a different world. Thank you all so much for your kind comments. This makes it gentler and sweeter to be out of the blogging “closet.”
Oh and Grace, isn’t that the truth… once you face the *thing*, the healing/dealing part can turn out to be surprisingly easy. What a crack-up
Twitter: evalazza
December 30, 2008 at 11:35 pm
Oh, and I adjusted the timezone on my blog settings, so for some reason my comments are inserting themselves in the wrong place. Oops! Hopefully that won’t happen after this…