Last week I was hiking with a newly married friend and the subject of past romantic relationships came up. We talked about how when you’re with the right person it’s just so easy. How if we could have only known how easy it could be, we might have saved so much heartache, so many frustrating attempts at trying to make it work with the wrong person.
Which is, you know, true in one sense. If it had been possible for me to know the future, there are some things I may have done differently in the past.
But as we continued walking, one of my past selves kind of rolled her eyes at us. (My current-self tried to hold past-self tight and pat her head and tell her everything would be all right, but past-self just stomped her feet and called us patronizing.) (Yes, I carry all of my past selves around with me and they heckle me from time to time…why? Is that weird?)
In the past, I have: broken up prematurely in a fit of dramatic action, repeatedly jumped from one relationship to the other with no time in between, and stubbornly stayed with the wrong person for years and years. So I guess it’s understandable that past-self was feeling a little defensive and judged.
So, okay, how do you know when it’s time to break up?
Questions that are NOT useful:
–Are you happy?
–Is it hard work?
–Can you be yourself around your partner?
–Do you love this person?
Ugh! Yes or no. Succeed or fail. Binary. It’s not that these aren’t all good questions in general, of course they’re very important ideas. But black-and-white thinking tends to come only in hindsight, so it’s totally frustrating to hear when you’re hurting or uncertain. Because if there is a black-and-white answer, and you just aren’t finding it, well then that just feels extra crappy.
So I guess the title of this post probably isn’t fair.
(Well okay, there is one way to get an instant yes/no answer. It’s to know yourself so well, be so in tune with your emotions, so unafraid of pain, so okay with the idea of being alone that you can look right into the very depths of your heart and clearly see the answer. Otherwise known as complete non-attachment. Yeah, most of us mortals can’t do that. That would be like looking directly into the sun.)
So we can come at it sideways. Sit with it for a bit. In a meditation or a quiet moment. Gently. For freak’s sake, don’t interrogate yourself with one of the binary questions above (if I asked “AM I HAPPY, ANSWER NOW” during a meditation I think my heart would run in fear, build a moat around itself and go into hiding permanently.)
If you feel uncomfortable looking too closely, or uncertain about what you find, that’s cool.
What would it be like if you stopped telling yourself I need to figure this out? Or if you didn’t beat yourself up when you repeat the same patterns over and over again? What if uncertainty were okay and didn’t say anything bad about you?
What if your relationship is an enormous gymnasium designed and built by your soul? What if its particular terrain is just what your soul needs to climb all over right now?
(At this point, I’m tempted to to talk about how sometimes relationships can be stand-ins but past-self thinks that’s pushing it. She’s okay with this, though, so I’m going to post.)
Related posts:
Remedial Meditation (Remeditation?)
Stuck, in a moment
Getting fixed.
{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
Internal hecklers, I love that! So, anyway, about the knowing. HIndsight is often more accurate, sure. Because hopefully we are wiser as well as older.
Speaking of yes/no absolute choices, I guess using a magic 8 ball for instant answers isn’t exactly something you would recommend here?
Although come to think of it, those cryptic signs sure are open to interpretation. Hmmm.
You have no idea how perfect this post was for me to stumble across tonight. I almost thought it was written directly to me. Very helpful and beautifully explained. Thank you. I needed that.
ah, i love this post. it makes so much sense. i love the image of a relationship as a gymnasium that you need to climb all over. (i was picturing it as a jungle gym.)
and i love that your past self rolls her eyes at you. heh.
Twitter: copylicious
May 20, 2009 at 11:38 pm
WOW! Eileen, if only I had read this back when I really needed to read it. THIS IS SO TRUE! You have a gift for this. So beautifully and compassionately written. I had never considered that these questions were the wrong questions. But now distance tells me you’re absolutely right. What else do you know that I don’t? DAG!
Oh my this is just just wonderful. Zen at play I adore you. And, I’d love the idea of relationships as stand ins. @ecorrigan totally touched on that topic in one of her posts too and it is playing around up there in my head. Such good stuff.
I just found out my question-mark-relationship-with-no-binary-answer is moving back to Boston. Talk about needing a gymnasium for myself and all my hecklers! i love that image. Thank you.
And, um, how did I miss when your baby blog was born? How?!
oh my gosh, I must be on drugs. Or, the fire alarms in the night totally messed up my head! This isn’t Zen at Play’s blog but your’s, eileen. Duh! What a dufus I am. Still, everything I said? Same.
Very well written! Hiking tends to bring up such profound subjects. But binary answers really don’t do the trick – computers are binary, humans are… Well, complicated.
Hee! Barbara, yes I plan now to make all future decisions using the ever-enigmatic and beloved magic 8 ball! …I do agree with what you say about wisdom, though. Hopefully we learn and get better each time.
@ Dating Trooper, Wow. Thank you for sharing that. I’m kind of teetering on the brink of wondering whether I have anything useful to say so you don’t know how much it means to me that this spoke to you like that. I really hope you are doing well, and I’ll be thinking of you
@ Leah, thank you! yeah, she’s kind of a pain but she keeps me honest!
@ Kelly Hee! thank you! Nice words coming from one of my fave writers
@ Heidi Please, feel free to confuse me with ZenatPlay *any* day! That’s a flattering one
Oooh, and I’m interested to hear about the mover-back-to-Boston… I hope that goes well for you (or doesn’t, or, you know…that whatever you hope for happens!)
@A.S.M.P Totally! Complicated, messy…that being-human stuff, wouldn’t have it any other way
Wow, I was so ready to disagree with this post as soon as I heard the title (this is my first visit). I assumed it would be a list of those binary questions you refer to, or some other pat formula to bypass inner-knowing. Whew! Always happy to be wrong about something like that.
I think the point you’re making is that you don’t have to come at it with the intention To Decide How My Whole Future With This Person Will Pan Out. What a relief! I like that.
From my broader perspective (where I’m really functional and wise, during the times when I can climb up to that vantage point), a relationship only exists right here in the moment I’m relating with my partner. My job is to show up in that moment, and take full responsibility for my “stuff.” Fully owning that responsibility in the present is a big enough job that “deciding” whether the relationship lasts or not just doesn’t need to be my business. It will take care of itself.
Eileen, thanks for this beautiful, compassionate, funny and wise post! And especially for the gymnasium. I’ve always hated gyms. But now, I’ll see them as playgrounds for my soul.
Ha! Beverly, I love that you came here with your dukes up! That’s totally how I feel when people start spouting off those pat formulas
Responsibility for stuff is so totally an important part of the puzzle (though hard!) too. Thanks for hanging out here
@Hiro, thanks for stopping by! I thought about using the word playground too because I like that word better. Something like play=working-out for the soul? Hmmm…
It’s my first time here too and since I’m grappling with how to determine categories for my new blog, I went straight to your categories to see what was there. Had to click on “That Bitch”..and this was the 1st post that came up under that category.
I think we don’t know when to break up until the moment that we say it. Until then, it’s just thinking about breaking up and thinking about staying together. It’s okay. There’s no rush to do anything. Paying attention to yourself is awesome along the way.
Twitter: victoriashmoria
May 22, 2009 at 12:13 am
“What would it be like if you stopped telling yourself I need to figure this out? Or if you didn’t beat yourself up when you repeat the same patterns over and over again? What if uncertainty were okay and didn’t say anything bad about you?”
I would say that paragraph contains a lotta lotta wisdom about life in general, not just relationships.
Very well said!
What would it be like if you stopped telling yourself I need to figure this out? Or if you didn’t beat yourself up when you repeat the same patterns over and over again? What if uncertainty were okay and didn’t say anything bad about you?
I’d say that’d be a happy day indeed.
thanks for writing the way you do, I miss you my friend.
Beverly said –”From my broader perspective (where I’m really functional and wise, during the times when I can climb up to that vantage point), a relationship only exists right here in the moment I’m relating with my partner. My job is to show up in that moment, and take full responsibility for my “stuff.” Fully owning that responsibility in the present is a big enough job that “deciding” whether the relationship lasts or not just doesn’t need to be my business. It will take care of itself.”
And it is a big job being responnsible for all my own “stuff.” My insecurities and all my “if onlys” – - Cath gave me the link to this last night. Last night I said goodbye to my SO. We have been teeter tottering for the last year. Taking a break, but not really. We’ll see . . . . . .
Oh, Jen I’m so sorry to hear that. Whether it’s for the best or not that’s so totally painful in the moment. Blech! I’m sending you warm, loving thoughts and hoping you’re surrounded by good folks to comfort you