(I think that could be the title of any blog post, yes?)

Unsolicited Advice

I was at a pub recently with some friends and (upon ordering a club soda instead of a Guinness) it came up that I was pregnant. And the server proceeded to tell me, “Congratulations! But you know, don’t stop at one!…” and on and on, blah blah blah about how two kids is sooo much better than one.

Well, thanks for the family-planning advice, random stranger who knows nothing about me or my situation!

Note to self: odds are this is only going to get more frequent once the child is born, so you’re going to need a better go-to reaction than stony silence and deathglare eyes.

Seeing with new eyes

I had some visitors in from out of town, and found myself on the “Ducks” tour of Seattle. It was such a kick to ride through my neighborhood, and realize that I totally live in a place where I’d fantasize about living if I were visiting.

Note to self: try to shake up the way you see things more often.

What to do with this blog?

I’m starting a new venture, with one of the awesomest people I know. Which means my “business” stuff, like the Sailboat Kit and other services, will live at our new place (we’re putting on the final coats of paint right now, but get on my newsletter list over there if you want to be one of the first to know about it next week–>).

I’m thinking that if I continue this site it will evolve into something more “personal” in nature. More frequent, shorter posts. Stuff about pregnancy, food, home. And soul-stuff too, of course, that’s in everything I do–it just won’t be the main focus.

Basically, what’s going on.

So that makes the term Soul Sleuthing seem a little…well, serious. (I was going to say pompous but I decided to cut myself some slack.) I’m thinking about changing the domain to something simple, like my name. I bought evalazza.com, so that’s the front-runner right now.

Note to self: figure out bloggy stuff

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Look at that cute little leg bone!

It’s funny how not talking about Something Big made it impossible for me to talk about anything at all.

I’m at 14 weeks and so far everything is perfect and healthy (with a side of barfing, which I hopehopehope is over now!)

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I’ve been feeling pretty crappy lately. It’s been a little over a week and I’m finally owning up to it.

I wouldn’t go as far as to use the d-word yet, but there are shades of it. I’m definitely on that track.

Unlike in the past, this time physical ailments are a direct cause. So almost all of my state of mind can be attributed to simply not feeling well physically.

And I also know why I’m not feeling well, and I know about how long it might last (kind of a while but not forever.)

Symptoms include: an irrational amount of couch-sitting (while simultaneously feeling shame about couch-sitting), difficulty remembering things, and a general sense of weakness and hopelessness and worthlessness. Plus a lack of motivation.

So, yeah. Not fun.

But onto the goodokay news…

Lucky for me (ha) I’ve been here before. I have my old travel journals and postcards from previous trips to this place. So at least I have a sense of direction now that I’m here again (I even have some old blog posts about it. )

This makes up a pretty incredible personal roadmap for use in navigating this terrain. A depression-itinerary, if you will.

Here are some of the items that I carry in my backpack as a seasoned traveler…

Knowledge

Perhaps the most important thing right now is that I know why this is happening. (Usually this isn’t the case but right now it’s comforting so I’ll take it.)

While the physical nature is frustrating, it’s also a relief. One thing I’m trying to do is to keep remembering it. (For me especially, when I’m in physical pain that makes me feel crappy, it’s easy to disregard the physical and jump straight into beating myself up for feeling crappy/un-motivated/dark.)

Experience

I have been through times like this before and I know them inside out. Each one was its own special snowflake, of course. But there are common patterns.

I know what it’s like to move from darkness to light, I have done it before. At the very least I know that it is possible. (That cannot be overstated. It is huge and hard-fought knowledge.)

Philosophy

I have a way that I personally “frame” these times that I find comforting. I’ve been there, hit the wall, and figured out what I believe in when I have absolutely nothing left. Everything from the words I use to a greater sense of perspective on life itself. This is immensely comforting.

For example, I know that I have more energy during the flow times, so it’s easier to just be on the channel I’m on when I’m in the stagnant times.

Easier, not easy. I’m still feeling like a useless lump…but hey, at least tonight I’m a useless lump who wrote a blog post. Woo!

A little Comment Zen: Commiseration, empathy, etc welcome and appreciated…no advice though, please.

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Where was I?

Oh, that’s right–at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. Tired, cranky, and sore. (Did I mention the sore-soreness?…that was sore?)

We “woke up” (though I’m not sure it can be properly called waking up if you haven’t slept) early and packed up our stuff. On the way up, the plan was to take the Bright Angel Trail, which is 9.8 miles and would have us surfacing at the parking lot where we had left our rental car.

One of the first features we encountered on the way up was called “Devil’s Corkscrew.” Which true to its name was like a corkscrew, carved by the Devil.

So, um, we didn’t end up taking many pictures of the hike up.

At one point embarrassingly early in the hike, my husband took my pack. And then he mentioned something about the switchbacks being relentless.

That word got stuck in my head, and I repeated it over and over with every step.

“Relentless. Relentless. Relentless.”

As soon as I caught myself doing this I knew I had to come up with another way of coping.

Power through

At first I told myself, okay this has to be over sometime. The sort of hold-your-breath-until-it’s-over approach. Otherwise known as checking out. This tends to really help at the doctor’s office and during uncomfortable meetings, but didn’t work here because all I could think about was the pain of every step. Plus there was no pretending we were anywhere near the top.

Meditation

Then I thought, instead of trying to make myself completely unconscious during this time, how about I do the opposite and treat every step as a meditation? So I started my conscious breathing, awareness of the pain, and trying to follow my thoughts. Which totally worked! (For a good three minutes.)

Rest in Motion

At one rest stop I wanted to stay longer, but my husband wanted to move on. So I said “okay, I’ll just rest while walking.” This was a cool concept. I thought okay, how do I cultivate a state of rest while hiking? It was sort of an affirmation thing, where I had to un-tense my shoulders and calm my thoughts. I thought this was brilliant and deeply philosophical, and would make the awesomest super insightful blog post…but um, that didn’t work either.

The top

Anyway, I wish I could say I learned some huge lesson, and that one of these techniques totally worked for me and I used the power of my mind to skip happily up the canyon. But really, it was rather miserable for a while there.

I guess we should take a photo before I collapse...

But at least I did it. And the best part was that we kept our sense of humor throughout the hike. (Although at 1.5 miles from the top when my pride insisted on taking back my pack so that I could finish carrying it on my own?–and thereby slowing myself down even more– I think my husband may have come thisclose to losing his good cheer.)

Edited to add:
Okay, I just thought of one thing I took away from this experience. Some perspective. The other day I was having blood drawn (normally a harrowing and painful event for me), and I looked over at the needle, and my arm, and I thought…

“Well, at least this will go faster than hiking the Grand Canyon.”

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