Right now my life is a lot of almost-but-not-quite. My redesign to this blog is almost-but-not-quite finished. I’m almost-but-not-quite a resident of Seattle. I’m almost-but-not-quite married.
I wish I could say I was all zen and living in the moment about it all, but honestly this particular place drives me batty. It is deeply painful to me that things I have conceived of do not exist yet. (Yes, inside of me there is a two-year-old having a temper tantrum…why shouldn’t the world be magic and bend to my will? *STOMP*) I’m chomping at the bit, anxious to rope everything into place, crest the hill, and about a million other metaphors that I’m sure would come to me if I weren’t so busy agitating over the fact that they aren’t.
So how to exist in this uncomfortable interim? I’m not sure, but the voices in my head are hashing it out…
Two-year-old (who also is kind of a sullen teenager): Screw this. I can’t wait for this part to be over. Can’t I just get there alreadyyyyyyyuh?!
Zen-ish-self (who clearly is absent a lot lately): Okay, it’s painful. But how can I live with the tension in this place?
Jung talks about the tension of the opposites, which is basically the excruciation of holding two opposing views at the same time. But this can mean any holding of active tension.
And what happens with tension? Alchemy. Not alchemy in the sense of turning-lead-into-gold, but in the deeper, more symbolic definition of the word. Alchemy is when the energy of that which is being held changes the container.
Okay, fine. (Sigh, eyeroll.) Bring it on.
Related posts:
Anti-Ritual
2009 (and I feel fine)
I’ll take my thoughts unsanitized, please
{ 1 trackback }
{ 10 comments… read them below or add one }
welcome to my spot – it’s been like this for me for over 8 months
but you know it will not always be like this + I have to believe that it is during these transitional phases that we grow the most. Show ‘em who’s boss (you, of course 
). congrats dear, so happy for you!
I know this place you speak of well, my friend.
And it *is* painful.
But I must say that when you put it in terms of alchemy – and knowing that the tension itself is what’s creating the change – that makes it seem a little more bearable.
Know what you mean. I’m almost, but not quite a resident of San Francisco and I’m almost, but not quite a graduate student. I think the anxiety comes from worrying that something is going to come between me and the new life phase that I haven’t anticipated and make it fall through. What’s funny is that we live in an uncertain universe. Unexpected things could go wrong or right at any moment, not just during transition phases, and yet the discomfort persists.
I have no advice. I like your post and I feel your pain.
It sounds like you’re in a tough spot right now, but, trust me, things will get better. Life is always a work-in-progress and I don’t know if there’s ever a time when you’re personally done with getting everything in the right place. Keep plugging along!
Blah, yes, familiar. Oh too familiar. Seems like the universe is asking most of us to reconsider and redesign. I’m trying to console myself with the thought that at least I am not fighting it and myself. But enough already!
I know what you mean. Been there myself. Am there myself, actually. Had never thought of it in terms of alchemy, though it makes perfect sense.
Twitter: Blondechicken
June 22, 2009 at 10:04 am
Oh, oh, oh, yes! Nearly, but-not-quite self-employed. Nearly, but-not-quite moved.
No fun at all, but thank you for reminding me to be in the moment!
I love this post, and love love the way you describe alchemy. Way cool!
Twitter: evalazza
June 28, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Thanks my dear! I am sort of in love with the alchemy concept so its cool to hear it resonate. Lots of love to you! ~E.
Oh my gosh. Awesome awesome reminder about the alchemy thing and I love thinking of it as changing the container in which it’s all happening. Last week at one point, when I was sitting as still as a jumping bean possibly could with all the stuff swirling around chaotically inside me, I was close to despairing about it all. And then the image that came was a wise old lady stirring a big pot–kind of like a cauldron– of some kind of brothy soupy thing, dark and rich. And by golly it sure didn’t taste good, I could tell, but she was not worried. She was so not fussing over it, even while she cared deeply. She’d walk away and do other things and come back every so often to give it a stir and add this or that. So, the chaos? That’s what I sort of came to it being like inside me. And the old lady is so calm. Nothing phases her. I need her! Glad she came from inside me
Love you, eileen! And I love your new blog 
Heidi Fischbach´s last blog ..Time Capsule #3: gray days, yellow birds.