I have been experimenting with my writing process lately.
Instead of spending hours editing and polishing a post in a desperate attempt to make some actual point, I’ve just been typing out things that are on my mind. Things that may or may not make sense holistically but that are important to me in the moment.
Basically, chucking out all the blogger advice that you should try to create “flagship content.” (Which yeah, ew, but when you don’t have a clue what you’re doing it’s easy to think the “experts” have some sort of magical knowledge you don’t.)
And it’s actually been going well. As a writer I have been happy because posts flow more freely. Instead of a constant vague feeling like oh I should post something, I now find myself getting itchy to write about whatever happens to be going on in my brain.
It is becoming habit.
And amazingly, people have started dropping by to hang out. Even people I wasn’t friends with already. (Like, whoa.)
Then, this wednesday a post on this blog was mentioned by an inspiration internet rockstarsomeone of whom I am a raving, lunatic fan.
You should have seen inside my brain. It was all fireworks and shiny lights and wheeee let the wild rumpus, Carnival of Validation begin!
What a warm, glowy feeling. What a bubbly non-alcoholic high.
Traffic here tripled from its highest day ever (that sounds dramatic but really it’s not difficult to triple “not a lot”)
More people were seeing me.
And not just any people. People who have in common with me someone whose message I find so incredibly important. So by definition, people who had a high probability of maybe, possibly being some of my right people too.
Awesome.
Oh, but wait a second…what’s that in the shadow of all the pretty colorful lights?
It turns out a lot of other stuff got invited to the carnival too.
A vague sense of dread. A feeling of exposure and self-consciousness.
A lack of safety.
I sat down to write yesterday and nothing.
Today, same thing.
All of a sudden, this ease I had been feeling with writing was just poof! …gone.
So yeah, I’m not sure where this post is going.
Here are a few things that I do know right now:
I know that part of me is just dying for people to read what I’m writing. To the point where I’m sort of attention-seeking, and brainstorming ways to “get myself out there” (while still finding that to be a vomit-inducing phrase).
And yet I also know that an equally strong part of me is scared to death of that idea (um, hi, what’s with the death/dying metaphors over here?) and would like my cloak of internet invisibility to stay firmly in place.
As always, I’m trying to allow these opposing forces to exist at once inside of me.
I’m trying to let them both know that it’s okay, they’re welcome to stay here for a little while.
But damn, they sure are kicking up a lot of dust wrestling with one another.
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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: AmberStrocel
December 19, 2009 at 8:33 pm
Oh, man, I totally understand this. Every time something goes right for me blog-wise, I feel a similar fall-out. And also a letdown when, inevitably, the next day I do NOT get triple my highest day ever. When that happens, then I want that cloak of invisibility back.
I’m not sure what my point is, except that I feel the tension, too. I understand the tension. And I try to keep in mind that the answer isn’t necessarily one or the other, but maybe a little bit of both.
Amber´s last blog ..Remembering my Father
Yes. Yep. Yeah.
I’ve got things to say! And I want people to read them and notice me! I want comments, lots and lots of comments!
And (but) …
Oh my God, what if people read my things and notice me? And leave comments?
Guess there’s no such thing as Famous Anonymity …
Heidi´s last blog ..Snowpocalypse, the aftermath
Twitter: gloreebe88
December 20, 2009 at 12:21 pm
Had to keep scrolling up to the banner to check and see whose blog I was on (not that I’m comparing myself to you..) but I too have had the same ‘itchy-ness’ to write what comes up (experts be damned), and had been Item-ized (Twice! Gasp!) followed by unprecedented traffic spikes, and then the simultaneous basking in and hiding from the spotlight of attention… followed by insecurity and dread of only being a one-hit wonder.
Which maybe you didn’t mention, but, yeah, a lot of dust gets kicked up.
Congrats, by the way!
Gina´s last blog ..When Worlds Collide
Twitter: pearlmattenson
December 20, 2009 at 1:40 pm
Clearly you are not alone in this. When Havi mentioned my new blog the visits went through the roof- way more than my website has ever gotten in 3 years! – and then the panic set in and while I didn’t stop writing I became so SELF Conscious about my tone and my content..still struggling with that actually.
All I can say is I found you through Havi and I love your voice and today’s post is no exception!
Hug! It sounds like this has been a really uncomfortable, challenging, interesting thing for you. Wish I had a magic something or other to make it better.
And I have to say that whenever I Itemize someone I know they’re probably going to want to throw things at me for sending so many eyes their way. Probably deservedly. Nathan Bowers calls it a Havilanche, which is funny but also definitely contains the *oh this is terrifying* aspect of it too.
Admittedly, I could be completely wrong in this but when I write about people’s smart words, I always go by my internal sense of whether or not they can handle it. And if it seems like they can’t, I don’t mention them.
And of course I only send my people. Who are sweet and kind and funny and accepting.
With you, I couldn’t stop thinking about how a year ago you couldn’t even imagine having your name on a blog, and how now you’re a rockstar. And how every time you write about your relationship with your stuff it helps other people with their relationship to their stuff.
And you’re doing it here. Which is brilliant.
Anyway. I hope that as the dust settles, new things start to destuckify and that you’ll keep describing that process because the way you describe the process is reassuring and real and inspiring and beautiful.
xox
havi
Havi (but blaming Selma)´s last blog ..Very Personal Ads #25: not really a swingers club at all
i really love this post eileen and i resonate completely with that struggle you’re speaking of where you want to be noticed and at the same time are happy to drift back into that cloak of invisibility.
you’re an amazing writer and i appreciate you putting words on this for me – i wasn’t really aware it was true for me til i found myself reading and nodding my head.
I’m de-lurking! (insert whooshy star trekky decloaking sound)
Hi!
I’ve been reading and sometimes re-reading your stuff. It rocks. You’re a great writer and funny. I look forward to reading more and the lovely dance of reading a blog and finding a link to one I somehow missed. Wheeeee!
It is scary AND exciting and it’s people like you who, by sharing their scary and exciting inner wrestling matches, make people like me able to de-lurk and de-cloak a little more often and work on our own stuff. Yay you for being brave and thus making me a little braver too.
Thanks!
Wulfie´s last blog ..Interweb Crushes – The Point!