There are so many different kinds of empty.
There is what I call the depressed, lumpy-throat empty-feeling. That piercing, heavy kind of empty.
When I felt this, I found myself inside of the emptiness, as if it had swallowed me. Like I could try my hardest, I could keep throwing my pathetic tiny pebbles out into this enormous cavern, but they would never pile high enough to let me find my way out.
Oh, emptiness. When you are a synonym for hopelessness, darkness and lost-ness you are my old friend.
And yet when I say now, I feel empty, I’m not talking about you.
The emptiness I feel now is inside of me, I’m not inside of it.
Right now, I’m immovable.
I’m feeling looseness and calmness where there used to be grasping. It is like the tingly feeling that is left behind when releasing a weight. Not just acceptance, but beyond that, to a letting-go.
An opening for what comes next.
Even my goals from just last month have shifted. Or not shifted so much as untied, and dropped away. Like I can’t imagine holding something so tightly.
How strange to feel such an enormous shift in less than a month. How bizarre to return to the page and find everything different.
And here I find my old friend and inspiration, contradiction. Because this kind of emptiness could only come when I feel at my most full.
I’m disoriented, but in such a gentle way.
{I could wrap this up into a box and tie it with a string to “babymaking” or “raw foods” or even clearing off my hard drive. But this is just a glimmer of something I had during meditation and I really don’t know where it’s going. So as Goddess Leonie would say, “the end.” Oh, and P.S. do you ever feel anything like this?}
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{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Twitter: copylicious
February 8, 2010 at 4:45 pm
I’ve been feeling this way lately, too–a lot. It’s this reorientation to myself–and to my business–that says, I don’t really care about goals anymore. And that’s where I think the emptiness is coming up. Because all of that space used to be taken up by this GIGANTIC UGLY FURNITURE! GOALS!!! So heavy and so important! And now they’re gone, and it feels kind of weird. But weird in a good way. There’s way more room to move around. I know this is a good thing. But I’m not entirely used to it yet, so I think there’s just going to be this period of, ‘Where is everything? Oh, right, I gave it to the Goodwill because it was ugly.’ I trust the right stuff will come back in again. Just for now, I have permission to have a kind of empty living room.
Twitter: FontSiteDiva
February 8, 2010 at 7:52 pm
ah, but this sweet infusion of souly-sleuthing does indeed describe the gossamer hammock upon which i swing
Twitter: AmberStrocel
February 8, 2010 at 8:24 pm
I don’t think I have felt that way, but I think I would like to. I still hold on to things more tightly than is probably best for me.
Amber´s last blog ..Grocery Store Allegiances
Twitter: somaphile
February 8, 2010 at 10:44 pm
“Even my goals from just last month have shifted. Or not shifted so much as untied, dropped away. Like I can’t imagine holding something so tightly.”
I’ve been feeling this same thing! Thanks for putting into words this odd little sensation I’ve been having. It was exactly what I needed to hear.
Danielle
Twitter: pearlmattenson
February 9, 2010 at 2:19 am
I love that you posit different kinds of empty. What has happened to me is assume the empty I am feeling is the bad kind. What else have I known? To judge it immediately and think my job is to fill it up. I am not there now but I love the idea of examining the empty to see what kind it is. Might be time for an emptying of my physical surroundings to spark the inner process.!
Twitter: evalazza
February 9, 2010 at 9:48 pm
@Kelly–exactly! Feels like I’m just running around the empty metaphorical-house giddy about all the space.
@Joyce “gossamer hammock”…ah. Sigh. Love your imagery my dear
@Amber–ah, me too…I have no idea where this came from
@Danielle– thanks sweetie! love that you’re here too
@Pearl Oooh, yeah, physical space is totally related! Good point.
It’s a very peaceful thing you describe and very hard to achieve in my opinion so relish it while it lasts. I remember reading some little spiritual mantra once about how we have to understand that life is about pushes forward and then the stillness of consolidation and about how we must relish both because they are both integral to living successfully. I fight the consolidation times though, I struggle with them. Society has taught me that I only have meaning and worth when I am striving for something or doing something so “just” striving for stability so that I can make my next push doesn’t feel “good enough”. I hope to recover from this one day