I recently gave up coffee.
My morning walks have been re-routed so we don’t need to stop by the coffee shop, and other than some sleepiness and a few brain blips while sitting down to work in the mornings (where’s my coffee? …oh, right I’m not drinking coffee today…) it hasn’t been too stressful.
(Hopefully non-necessary aside: this is so not about judging coffee or coffee drinkers. Seeing as it is entirely possible I will become one again, since this is not a a hard-line-forever type of thing.)
Anyway, it occurred to me this morning that I don’t really miss coffee at all.
Even more than that, I felt as if I never really needed coffee at all, as if my whole love for it had been kind of an illusion.
And then the weirdest thought popped into my head:
I needed to need something.
Hmm.
No idea what that’s about. But I think it might have to do with Stand-Ins (1 & 2).
Indecision 2010
Another Stand-In came up for me this week. I was going round and round in circles planning a trip I’m going to take this summer. I couldn’t decide whether to drive or to fly, or where to stay, or even what dates to go.
This is unusual behavior for me. While I may not do details, I tend to be pretty decisive.
And yes, there were some “real” logistical issues that prompted the confusion. But they weren’t nearly as huge as I was making them out to be.
Finally yesterday I realized (actually it was obvious but I was ignoring it) that there is a lot of emotional conflict wrapped up with this trip I’m going to take. The reason for the trip is pure joy, and yet it will require me to touch some old pain. Deep, hard stuff.
So I wanted to be confused.
I needed to feel conflict. So I wouldn’t gloss over the various feelings involved in taking this trip.
My travel paralysis just provided an entry point to get at that stuff.
Once I realized that, I could turn my attention to gently letting all of my conflicting emotions exist at once. And you know what? This morning I figured out my travel plans with one email exchange. (Well, part of them and the rest I’m not stressed about.)
Still have no idea what’s up with the coffee thing though.
Also, I want a coffee song.
Related posts:
Stand-ins
Kansas
Stuck, in a moment
{ 3 comments… read them below or add one }
Is this another way that holding the tension manifests? I’m learning about this from you. I’m glad you made it over the hump and all is working out now.
On the coffee….I gave it up for over twenty years and went back to it a few weeks ago…bad choice. lol But it’s soooo damned yummy. For me, it’s really about having something warm and tasty to drink first thing in the morning which is when I’m writing down my dreams. Decaf Juan Valdez, new on the market here in Maine, is closest I’ve found to tasting like real coffee without the buzz. As an official wall bouncer all on my own, I don’t need the additional rush. I wake up in high gear. lol If you find something good let me know.
Yes, it might be about 1 and 2, but it might not. Sometimes it’s about the pleasure principal. The one that goes. ohhhh nomnomnom
Twitter: kimianak
February 26, 2010 at 1:42 pm
An entry point to get at the stuff… that’s a very very useful concept. Thank you for sharing this example. It will definitely help me keep in mind the entry point idea, and help me recognise when that’s what’s happening.
As for needing to need something – that’s a great insight! I can’t quite articulate how or why, but I feel that somehow I can relate.
Josiane´s last blog ..A (huge!) shift in perspective
Twitter: AmberStrocel
February 26, 2010 at 2:36 pm
I have never liked coffee. For a long time, I TRIED to like it. Eventually I decided to give that up, because it was clearly not necessary for me. I can drink something else when I go ‘for coffee’ with someone and I don’t have to play along just to fit in.
It’s different than your story, obviously, but also the same. Why couldn’t I just allow myself to not like it, and not need it? I’m not entirely sure why, but I was able to move on just the same, and I think that’s what matters.
(And I hope the trip is great.)
Amber´s last blog ..My Husband’s Olympics